The mascot for late-stage capitalism is that final orgy scene in horror classic Society. (Do not click on that YouTube link in any circumstances, ever.) Everything consuming everything else until all that’s left is one monstrous behemoth of hideous depravity. So, moments after Paramount was allowed to merge with Skydance for just one $16 million bribe and the head of Stephen Colbert, the resulting mutilation is trying to come for Warner Bros. Discovery. However, according to Bloomberg its first attempt has been rebuffed for being too low of a bid.
Among a great deal else, Warner Bros. owns all of DC, including its movies, TV shows and comics, and the many video game spin-offs including the Arkham Batman games. Then it has everything Harry Potter and Hogwarts, as well as all of the enormously popular Lego games. Which is to say, along with being a massive movie studio and streamer (it also owns HBO), it’s a very significant player in the world of video games.
Word began spreading that Paramount was circling the movie, TV and video game studio a while back, with Deadline reporting last week that the plan was to swoop in and pick up the entire media corporation before current Warner boss David Zaslav splits the company in half. Motivated by the Trump-controlled FCC’s allowance of the merger with Skydance, Paramount seems to believe it can bypass concerns of monopolies once more and take over Bugs Bunny’s business in just six months. But it seems the first approach hasn’t been good enough for Zaslav.
According to Bloomberg, an offer of $20 per share was made in recent weeks, which Warner didn’t consider high enough. Deadline‘s reporting says that Zaslav is looking for $30 a share, while claiming it had heard Paramount boss David Ellison was offering $22-$24. If Bloomberg is correct, it seems the money people came in even lower, testing how desperate Zaslav is to sell. And, if you’re interested, the shares are currently valued at $17.10, making Warner Bros. Discovery worth $42.3 billion, but also carrying a ton of debt. Apparently Paramount’s $17 shares make it worth only $18.6 billion. How can one buy the other, you ask? Because money isn’t real, and big businesses can fudge any old shite they want.
It seems Zaslav really wants to split the company, separating it into a (surely doomed) cable TV company (that you just have to imagine will magically take on so much of the debt), and a streaming and studios company. So, I guess, when the former fails the debt goes away? Is that how it works? It seems too horribly likely that that’s how it works. Then, without the old-world cable TV anvil strapped around its neck, it’d make the remaining company a lot more likely to be more highly valued in a buy-out.
Presumably Paramount won’t give up, with future approaches likely to include upping its offer or going directly to shareholders—this is very likely just a first, exploratory poke of the ant nest. And soon, everything will be owned by one giant corporation to which we will forcibly pledge our allegiance and worship every Sunday morning.
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