Don’t Bring Me Trolley Problems, Bring Me Trolley Solutions

We’re all familiar with the trolley problem. We’re all so familiar with it that we’re also familiar with all the spoofs of the trolley problem that have sprung up in recent years. But I’m pleased to say I’ve found a fresh take on the entire scenario: even sillier (if smarter) spoofs of the trolley problem. The Trolley Solution brings the classic black-and-white sketches to life in a series of video game vignettes, beginning with the classic question, but quickly descending into fantastically funny nonsense, including some completely splendid mini-games, one of which is a visual novel love story.

You know how the trolley problem goes:

“A trolley is rapidly approaching five people tied to the tracks.

You have the option to divert the trolley onto a different track.

This action would save the five people, but it would kill someone else.

What would you do?”

But in The Trolley Solution, the classic philosophical dilemma and many absurd riffs on it are brought to life in 3D, bringing a whole new level of reality to the hypothetical problem when the crudely animated people splatter into little blobs. What if, for instance, rerouting the trolley would knock a dog’s bone away? Can you really make the choice if it means watching the little doggy look into his empty bowl, his tail down, his head despondently hung? Other new variants it introduces on the classic dilemma are more elaborate and wonderfully original, unlike anything I’ve seen in those overly long Reddit threads where people with undue confidence misattribute philosophical doctrine. For instance,

“A trolley is quickly approaching your girlfriend, who is tied to the tracks.

You have the option to divert the trolley to a different track, but on that track is your best friend, also tied up.

However, you discover that your girlfriend has been cheating on you with your best friend.

But your best friend didn’t know she was your girlfriend.

To complicate things, your best friend is terminally ill and will die of cancer in a month.

What will you do?”

Honestly, I’m simple enough that I’d have been charmed just by a series of increasingly daft scenarios like these, especially since you get to see each play out, choosing whether to pull the lever or not. But The Trolley Solution is much more ambitious in its daftness. Levels constantly introduce one-off mechanics, at one point seeing the game turn into a perfect spoof of the billions of monochrome “hidden object” games that appeared in the wake of the fantastic Hidden Folks, here with an entire trolley “hiding” in enormous, screens-wide illustrations packed with visual gags. I scarequote “hiding” given it’s a trolley, and even glasses and a Where’s Waldo hat can’t quite do it. Bless it, it’s trying. (The Where’s Trolley joke works much better in the UK where the books are called Where’s Wally?)

At another point it becomes a third-person racing game, as you jump between tracks to gather coins and avoid oncoming trolleys. And yes, in one extended and completely brilliant sequence, the game becomes a lampooning visual novel, in which you play a young Japanese girl who, on her way to school, falls in love with a trolley. It has many different endings, one of which describes the situation where the girl and the trolley rush too quickly into an overly committed romance, later realizing the foundations for a lasting relationship had never been established, the two growing to loathe one another, before finally, acrimoniously, breaking up. Another, naturally, results in people getting run over by a trolley. It’s all very romantic. It contains dialogue like,

“Tameko tells Tomodachi all about her dream. As she talks a weird gut feeling makes her uneasy. She explains the nuances of picking between Deontology and Utilitarianism. It feels like there is something more to it, like a prophecy in the making…”

As much as I want to blurt out every single surprise game mode that appears, l obviously won’t, but I do have to share one more: There’s an entire Tamagotchi sim in there, in which—yes of course—you must feed, clean, and play with a young trolley until it grows into a happy and profitable adult. “Can you take care of it until it gains monetary and moral stability?” asks the game.

It’s worth saying The Trolley Solution is not taking anything seriously, and you’re going to see a lot of people get squished in front of trolleys. Because the game’s black and white, and because the human characters are like even simpler Human Fall Flat figures, obviously it’s nothing outlandish, but people sure do go splat when they’re run over. And you will want to note that it does include a moment with someone jumping in front of a trolley. When that happened I shouted, “GOD DAMN IT!” and laughed very hard, because it really wasn’t OK in the best way.

I swear, for all the stuff I’ve mentioned, there are so many more surprises in here. There are whole other short games, spoofs of well-known genres I’m dying to tell you about, and while a few of these are perhaps a little over-long (something done five times can be a lot more fun than something done ten times), they’re all so well-realized and funny. There’s a total of 40 levels, each containing its own unique trolley problem situation, and precisely none of them take the conceit seriously. Thank goodness.

I love stumbling on a game like this. I installed it simply because I liked the cartoon art, having no idea where it was heading. It turns out it was heading all over the place, with a wicked sense of humor, and the chops to pull off half a dozen genre spoofs along the way. (And don’t worry if you see the DLC on the Steam store—as much as you can absolutely buy it (and the developer deserves it!), it’s part of a gag.)

What a joyfully silly thing to exist. You should go buy it right now, it’s only $6.50.